The plebe bridesmaid who thinks she is THE maid of honour

Remember the sore losers from your childhood? The ones who were always picked last for teams and never invited to sleep over. That’s them. And you just re-ignited all those secret insecurities of theirs by making the fatal mistake of picking your actual best friend as your maid of honour. Rookie mistake.

In order to make you regret this decision, this person takes it upon herself to redefine the meaning of “self-importance”. She will sit on stage with you all night long, be part of all your intimate family portraits and will tell you how YOU (the bride) are feeling at all possible times. She can often be overheard telling someone that right now “the bride is feeling stressed out and therefore all of you should really leave her alone”, when in fact at that point the bride was probably just tired and feeling hungry, wanting to order in Chinese food and watch 2 Broke Girls on her laptop.

The self-certified Katrina Kaif / Govinda

This person mistakenly read their own name in place of either the bride or the groom on the wedding invite, thus duping them into thinking that this wedding is in fact all about them and no one else. They can be found in the center of dance practices barking out orders whilst shoving themselves into the front of every dance. On a scale of 1-10, their dance skill level is probably an 8 – which is you think about it, is actually pretty standard for us desis. However, the Katrinas and Govindas at every wedding feel they are the inventor of dance and more specifically of the twerk, thumka and pout-whilst-you-dance look. Every step is practiced with such extreme gusto that for a split second these delusional performers can mistake an observers’ look of pure disgust for awe. They don’t refer to the big day as so and so’s Mehndi, but instead as a mere stepping-stone on their path to stardom.

Ponchoos & Gate Crashers

First, let me clarify that although mistaken for the same thing – ponchoos and gatecrashers are in fact two separate genres of people. A ponchoo is someone who has actually received an invite, but most likely because his or her mother knew someone at some point. i.e.: they have received an invite out of either pity or protocol and were never expected to attend. That, or they twisted your arm into getting an invite by tactfully calling to say ‘I’m sure my invite’s gotten lost, so why don’t you just narrate the venue and dates to me on the phone and I’ll be sure to attend’. Secondly, the ponchoo is also under the mistaken impression that their absence at this wedding will (God forbid) ruin the couple’s happiness and pictures, and cast a spell of bad luck on their future. And thus, the ponchoo makes it a point to show up come load shedding or petrol shortages, as they are truly an unstoppable force.

The gate crasher on the other hand, is someone who hasn’t received any sort of invitation – from the obligatory Facebook invite to even the forced fake “oh you must come” when you run into them at the salon. They’re completely fine with tagging along to this wedding with whoever couldn’t shake them, simply to be seen, enjoy the free diarrhea causing food, to ogle at the eye candy on the dance floor, or to pacify their severe case of FOMO.

The Down to get Married (DTM) / Down to get baatpakkid (DTBP) chicks

Remember when Monica got engaged and Rachel played her part of being the selfless and ecstatic best friend? “I’m so happy and not at all jealous. I mean I’m probably 98% happy, maybe 2% jealous. And I mean what’s 2%? That’s nothing.” This chick is Rachel. She will be running to fix your jora as soon as you sit on stage, get you water and a straw the second she thinks you look parched and will be the first to fix your lipstick (and accidentally take it home because she was jealous of that too). Your mother in law, along with a plethora of aunties, will be sure to notice her, and as a result, by the time your rukhsati happens, her baatpakki talks would have commenced.

The friend who freshly shed 50 pounds in time for this wedding

Your previously fat friend made your wedding the deadline and motivation for her much overdue weight loss goals. Now she’s finally met them and isn’t afraid to flaunt them!

Her sari blouse will be reminiscent of a bra, in order to boast those new abs, and her choli will use up any leftover cloth, allowing her darzi to gleefully charge her full price for what is honestly half a choli. Every event of yours is a Victoria’s Secret fashion show for her, and your dance floor is her runway. Watch out, because this ex fatty has worked her butt off (literally) and earned her way to be at the front of your dances. This is her big day. Don’t you know this already?

The Instant Instagrammer

This person is the very reason why spending any money on your photographer was your biggest mistake. They could give Princess Diana’s paparazzi stalkers a run for their money. They have practiced their selfie face in the mirror for months prior to your wedding and know exactly what pout goes with what outfit. They’ve made it to the front of the crowd for every possible moment at your wedding, from the ring exchanging to when the bride tearfully says goodbye to her parents. They start by spamming your wedding Whatsapp which slowly leads to taking over your Instagram feed with some 200+ selfies. They’re on point with their Instagram filter choice but not so good with filtering out photos in which the bride is sobbing like a baby. And let’s be honest, they’re not very good friends of the bride or groom.They came for the photo opps, the hashtags and to remind everyone who didn’t make the guest list that they missed out on the #WeddingOfTheYear.

Token Goras

These are my favourites at any wedding. Their awe struck expressions, enthusiasm to be in the dances, their misery once the diarrhea hits them, and their natural misconception that the bride and groom are descendants of the long lost Pakistani royal family makes them the most entertaining featureat any wedding nowadays.

Ain’t no wedding like a wedding where the foreign quota has been fulfilled. Unless they start to crib about how many functions there are and make the mistake of comparing our fun filled circus of events to their regular run of the mill white Weddings, or whine about how their BORROWED Desi clothes aren’t as fancy as everyone else’s. Then it’s time to spike their mineral water bottles with tap water. They asked for it.

The Annoying Kid

This kid is not cute. I know I’ve just said something blasphemous but let’s get real, how many of us really believe in the “all kids are cute” philosophy? Exactly.

These kinds of kids are often found sauntering on to the dance floor in the middle of your thumka filled item number, causing the attention to move from you, and we can’t have that now can we? They can be seen running around, high on left over soft drink bottles that they’ve just downed whilst their maids, who are probably just a few years older than them, are either busy gossiping or staring at the bride. They make their way to the stage eventually and get on the photographer’s last nerve whilst successfully ruining the composition of almost every picture taken. Their parents are generally nowhere to be found, but when they do make an appearance, they insist on a picture with the bride and promptly place the child on her lap destroying her outfit that is definitely worth more than this kid and it’s poop filled diaper’s weight in gold.

The wardrobe malfunction-er

This girl is either an ABCD or has the luck of the world’s worst darzi. In the case of the former, she has no idea that the trends have changed again and therefore shows up to the event in what she’s hoping looks like a vintage outfit but is actually an ensemble that died with the 90s along with Boyzone (Don’t act like you don’t remember them!)

The girl with Hitler for a darzi is generally found suffering from a last minute wardrobe error causing her to rethink her outfit, as a result of which she is forced to redo her make-up and reevaluate her life choices. In the process, she’s missed the group picture and is busy complaining to anyone that’ll listen that she doesn’t feel hot today. The best possible solution to her problems is to have the bride tell her to get over herself. Then there’s that odd person who missed the memo regarding the theme of the function and shows up in a white shalwar kameez when everyone else is in orange, or shows up in a lehnga when the rest of the troop is in saris. These people are fairly harmless, until its time to take a group photo and they stick out like a sore thumb.

Sir Sweats-A-Lot

You know who I’m talking about. The overly enthusiastic guy who jumps around leaving a trail of sweat on the dance floor. The fact that you chose a summer wedding and made the guys wear colourful shalwar kameezes means that this poor fellow has absolutely no way to hide those sweat patches. But none of this stops him from doing his thing, shaking his booty or giving you those bone crunching and soaking wet hugs at every opportunity, which leave you wondering why you bothered to get a blow dry for this wedding anyway. If I’m being honest, I gotta say I actually applaud this guy and his sweat stains; He’s sweaty and he knows it.

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